Whether need be...

29 December , 2009. Denise Ferguson

My car had some temperamental moments today. It all began when I kept stalling at the gas station. Quite frankly, I was feeling impatient and easing my foot off the clutch was taking too long.  Eventually the car wouldn’t start. How embarrassing! After about three minutes, the car started and (red faced) I went to drive away. As I did, the gas station attendant (whilst signalling to leave the car switched on) knocked on my window and asked me to open the bonnet. “When did you last change the battery?”, he asked. “Between four months and three years ago”, I replied. Whilst I realise I did not supply him with a remotely helpful answer, the guy was awesome. He had a little nosey under the bonnet, then told me what I would need to do upon arrival at home to prolong the inevitable and impending trip to the mechanic. He went the extra mile, and it sat with me..... made me feel good. In contrast to this, at the end of the last financial year I had to ask a woman to supply me with a receipt which I had lost. In all fairness, I’ve never worked in a shop before, so I cannot speak from experience, however I didn’t think I was asking too much when I supplied the shop with my bank statement highlighting the exact transaction, date & amount, and asked for a duplicate receipt. I even suggested that a hand written receipt with GST number and logo stamped on it would be sufficient. I was told that they were under no obligation to do this, that they wouldn’t supply me with a hand written receipt and that in future I needed to take care of my receipts more. It was the ‘under no obligation’ that riled me. Under no obligation?... So?

For the most part, I see people going the extra mile to do things that they are not obligated to do... just to make someone else’s day, hour or even that present moment a little better. As I type, there are candles lit at the table given to me under no obligation. The exterior of the house has been cleaned by someone under no obligation to help. There is chutney in the fridge... a no obligation gift. I donate to a chosen charity every year... no obligation, and I pay the lawnmower guy a week in advance... just to be nice.

After checking the mail at the top of the driveway this afternoon, then rolling the car down it... engine off... because it wouldn’t start again, I feel warm inside by the good of others. I am blessed, and the people at my local gas station, Shell, Mairangi Bay, North Shore, Auckland, always go the extra mile. They give full service, they are friendly at the counter, and they give me tips on how to prolong my inevitable trip to the mechanic.

The Road to Success

22 December , 2009. Denise Ferguson

I made my nephew cry yesterday. At seven, he’s a cool kid, smart, observant... and cocky; I didn’t feel there was any need to let him win. I know that it won’t be long before he’ll be giving me a run for my own money in our chess interactions. Perhaps I made it a little too frustrating because at one point he said the game ‘sucks’ and wanted to give up. I told him that he was being a poor sport and he wasn’t allowed to quit. I also told him that it was quite clear that I was better than him at chess, so if he wanted to win he’d just have to work harder to achieve that. I was being a bit too tough on him because as I captured his Queen he started to cry, yelled ‘I HATE LOSING’ and ran outside telling me that he preferred playing chess with his mother. After an apology from me, some hugs, ‘I love you’s and a joke to make him laugh, I made him return and finish the game. I won, but we played again. This time, he played with his head held high, he worked harder every time I captured one of his pieces and he even took me by surprise a couple of times when he captured some of my pieces that I didn’t deliberately let him capture. He even made me laugh out loud when he said 'I’m gonna take my Knight out for a little walk now, let him stretch his legs'. He was clearly enjoying the second round, even though he wasn’t winning. I won again, but he stuck it out until the bitter end and lost graciously. What was nice was his humility. When he captured a piece, he was under no false pretences that he was in any way superior to me. I don’t like the arrogance that occasionally rears it’s ugly head in my nephew, so I squashed it by nurturing the former. I was also fostering a little bit of drive to succeed, and I certainly was not going to harbour a quitter. Afterwards I pondered the paradox of this. I go to work and teach people to leave their ego behind and practice in the moment. Then I come home and drum into my nephew a desire to work hard, to succeed and to earn his triumphs. I am competitive, but I use that drive to develop traits within myself that make me a better person. Winning for me is not the highest goal. I’m going to get all cliché on you here. Every time I have been defeated, I’ve had to work harder to succeed, eventually tasting a sweeter success. I want to win for me to develop my own self, not to gloat or to feel superior.  I also don't have to be better than everybody else, I just like to be the best at what I choose to do and I develop that through observation of others.

I can guarantee my sweet nephew will eventually be better than me at chess. I just hope that he enjoys the hard work that it will take to be the best at his game.

Letting go of Perfection

15 December , 2009. Denise Ferguson

I overheard some people talking today, and one of them said “well at least you’re challenged by what you do”. The statement implied that it is important to meet challenges in life and seek new ones in order to be a better person. I would have to agree however I just wish I could achieve all of my challenges perfectly the first time around. Sigh.... it doesn’t happen that way, it’s not meant to happen that way, and it never will happen that way. I have to say I feel I have met all of my challenges with gusto and overcome them all eventually, but an obsession with getting everything perfect has meant I have also paired many of them with states of anxiety and even panic. Just hearing a total stranger give sanction that challenges are an important part of life, gave me the courage to welcome mine and let go of the desire to always be perfect. I certainly don’t like the big life challenges, but I don’t want everything I do to be too easy. As I learn more in my life, the ups and downs knock me off my perch less and less and at present, I feel my life is free of any major life lessons. I’m not going to rest on my haunches and expect to breeze through life and I do expect there will be interesting experiences to learn from in the years to come.  I intend to take it all in my stride and treat it like my least favourite yoga pose; it has a beginning, it will end and it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s about the way I approach it and how I stay committed to living my life with grace that will help me (and perhaps anyone who happens to observe) be a better person.

A little help from Lois

11 December , 2009. Denise Ferguson

A day free of commitments and a pending birthday bought me to the conclusion that it was time to visit the spa. So today, I skipped down to see the in-house anti-ageing specialist at my favourite spa. I love going there; I even love filling out the forms they give me while I wait. ‘Do you exercise regularly?’ Yes. ‘Do you smoke?’ No. 'How much water do you drink?' Loads! ‘What is your skin care regime’ ummmm next question?

I spread myself onto the bed while Lois put the special light over my face to have a look. She looked for (i swear) less than 30 seconds before telling me my skin is dehydrated and ‘confused’. I sat up and hung my head in shame as I told her that my face gets the same skin care regime as my body. Cleaned in the shower and moisturised upon exit. Telling Lois this would be like someone telling me they didn’t stretch before or after completing the Auckland marathon. She took it very well, but I feel I crossed the line when I accidentally reached out to touch her ridiculously youthful skin. As I left the spa with my new organic, natural ‘not tested on animals’ products, a pending appointment with a deluxe facial on my birthday, and an empty bank account, I felt I had practiced my yoga for the day. I was accepting myself for not being perfect. I would love to say I find youthful skin by drinking eleven glasses of water a day, always remembering sunscreen and never letting anything but organic fruits, vegetables and grains pass my lips. Gosh darn it, even with a healthy lifestyle my skin is confused and dehydrated so I figure I need a little help. I’m letting Lois be my health regime today.